I'm fully aware of the level of douchiness from the entry below... and trust me, I don't know what my issue is. Insecurity perhaps? SUGGESTIONS ARE GLADLY WELCOME
Below is an IM convo with Friend and I think what he's getting at is relatively true... but I don't think there's a solution to this problem... yet. The problem comes with the fact that I don't have any friends at law school. And I have absolutely no1 to hang out with if I don't go out with my banking friends. If I don't go out with my banking friends, then I'd be fucking miserable at home on a weekend in NYC - I'd kill myself...
Me (10:21:28 PM): i think i know what the problem is
Friend (10:23:30 PM): oh yeah?
Friend (10:23:34 PM): what is it?
Friend (10:23:45 PM): do you feel like you can't/don't want to really love anybody?
Me (10:21:50 PM): i wanna go out
Me (10:21:55 PM): on weekends
Me (10:21:57 PM): and have fun
Me (10:22:04 PM): and the only people im close with here
Me (10:22:11 PM): already have a defined fun
Friend (10:24:28 PM): well, usually my definition of fun borders on criminal
Me (10:23:02 PM): the problem with that is
Me (10:23:08 PM): when i do that every weekend
Me (10:23:18 PM): i come to think that this is what fun really is
Friend (10:26:25 PM): is it fun?
Me (10:24:39 PM): i dont know
Me (10:24:42 PM): i shouldnt complain
Friend (10:26:40 PM): it is certainly a different world from what you have experienced, i am ssure
Me (10:24:49 PM): free booze
Me (10:24:57 PM): hot girls
Me (10:25:03 PM): i shouldnt complain right?
Friend (10:27:11 PM): well... it goes back to what you want
Me (10:25:16 PM): but this is the same exact shit that i looked down at
Me (10:25:26 PM): when i first moved to ny
Friend (10:27:25 PM): why did you look down at it?
Me (10:26:31 PM): its superficial
Me (10:26:32 PM): meaningless
Me (10:26:50 PM): and guys with uniform dress (blazer is a must)
Friend (10:28:51 PM): so, is it still superficial and meaningless, or have you just come to accept that?
Me (10:27:04 PM): when im there its fun
Me (10:27:07 PM): always the next morning
Me (10:27:14 PM): i tell myself this is fucking retarded
Me (10:27:18 PM): wtf am i doing
Me (10:27:32 PM): but then again, i dont wanna be in nyc staying home on a fucking weekend
Me (10:27:45 PM): and you know as well that i dont have law school friends
Friend (10:29:48 PM): haha
Friend (10:29:57 PM): well, staying in while living in NYC would suck
Me (10:28:13 PM): tell me bout it
Friend (10:30:13 PM): but, you make this sound like a cycle of self-loathing
Me (10:28:23 PM): explain
Friend (10:30:59 PM): well, you go out on friday or saturday, are intoxicating by the novelty/adventure of it all, wake up in the morning and feel like the douche-bag you used to make fun of and never want to become
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1 comment:
My situation is a bit different, since I am not in a kick ass city and I did (I use the past tense since I rarely hang out with them anymore) have friends in law school. Anyway, I did go out a lot my 1L year. A lot of times I didn't like what was going on or what I was doing as a result of it so I started staying in primarily and hanging out with my college friends once they moved home.
At first it sucked, then I enrolled in netflix so I could spare myself the embarassment of a video store alone on Saturday nights and it's a lot more enjoyable now.
Previously I was going out with guys I didn't really like just because it was something to do, and now I've realized if I don't feel anything I'd rather not waste my time and his.
That said, I've become extremely fussy about who I will even go out with now since I've gotten rather set in my ways.
So, that really isn't a suggestion, so much-but I hope you get the point.
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